His Rey
by kingdomchild1410
Summary: Several months after the end of The Rise of Skywalker, Rey and Finn have managed to make a life together. But bad memories and survivor's guilt don't just disappear...


His Rey

_Finn saw Rey's hand grasp in vain to hold on to something, anything, that would keep her from disappearing into the quicksand. Her face was contorted with sudden despair, fear and also, comically, a hint of incredulity and surprise. It was the optimist in Rey or perhaps the optimist in Finn that made him recognise this miniscule flicker of amusement at the predicament they had gotten themselves into. Once again. In a pickle. Like always. _

_The black, coarse quicksand swallowed up C-3PO; then Poe's dark hair vanished in the whirl, stabbing Finn with a pain of loss he had felt many times before. Yet somehow it felt new each and every time he watched one of his friends die. _

_"Rey! Rey! I gotta tell you something…" Rey was kicking and struggling and fighting. He couldn't see it but he could sense it. Or guess it for he was doing the very same. Survival. It wasn't even about the Resistance at this point. It was about himself only. And his Rey. _

_Before being able to complete his sentiment, Finn was plunged into utter darkness and descended downwards so quickly, accelerating as he went, that it felt as if he was back on Starkiller Base, in one of the lighting speed lifts, readying his janitor's bucket and utensils to clean yet another level of never-ending black mirror floors._

_But he was going way too fast. The final impact, Finn realised, would kill him and he was strangely glad that he knew and he was prepared for this. His Rey had died. So must he. _

Suddenly wide awake, Finn sat up in bed. Once again, as so often in his dreams, there had been no final impact. He had just suddenly been at the end of his dream journey and that end was a sudden release into the state of wakefulness which they called living.

Finn closed his eyes for a moment, focusing on his breathing. 'Not so fast. Soft, soft', he told his own heartbeat. The first few months, the little pumper had been headstrong and disobedient. Nothing, it seemed, would calm it after one of Finn's nightmares. Nothing but his Rey, her gentle words, her touch. But as time went on, Finn had finally learned to subdue the little traitor in his breast. At least, he had learned how to make compromises. After all, Rey had enough on her plate each and every day. She really couldn't be woken up each night at every ungodly hour because her Finn had had another nightmare. She had her own nightmares to deal with and did so with much more grace and endurance than Finn. He didn't know how she did this – the Force perhaps? – but he admired her for it. As he admired her for everything, really.

A few moments had passed and his heart had abandoned its frantic arrythmic beating and had settled into a slight post-agitation drum. Shifting cautiously on the bed, Finn let himself relax against the cushioned headboard, his frame sinking deep into its soft embrace. He felt his muscles relax and turned his head to check on Rey. Mercifully, she was asleep. He could feel it.

Observing the harmonious lines of her face in the soft light coming from their window, Finn's mind wandered back to this night's visitation of the past. More detached now, he remembered the quicksand. 'And,' he told himself, 'we did survive it after all.' All of it. Even though Rey shouldn't have. Didn't really survive but for the sacrifice of another.

Kylo Ren. Finn tasted the name on his tongue and remembered only his old master and foe. Kidnapped, enslaved, trained, punished into obedience, Finn could not remember when he had first heard about the Supreme Leader's new protégé. But although almost all other things were forbidden and supressed, his masters had allowed the rumours about this powerful Force-wielder to run wild in the imagination of their slaves. Stormtroopers was really just another word for the same thing. Within weeks, the stories about Kylo Ren were so abundant that the man was secretly thought to be at least 100 years old. Maybe even Darth Vader reincarnated. No one could achieve so much in so little time, the stupid soldiers reasoned. Finn reasoned with them. He was their equal then and like their equal, he cowered when Kylo Ren first appeared on Starkiller Base, with his mask – "See, Darth Vader incarnated," GT-4651 had whispered to him – his black cloak, his forceful strides and his disregard for life.

No! No! Ben! Ben Solo! Finn shook his head vigorously. Memories of the time before his freedom were difficult to bear and more difficult to digest. He still did not really know how to incorporate the greater part of his early life into his identity. He had tried denying it all but to no avail. He had to acknowledge that all his suffering then had, after all, led him to the Resistance, to his freedom, to his Rey. But it was nevertheless hard to reconcile with his past. "And that is only natural. It is the same for me," Rey told him time and again.

Ben had saved Rey. He owed Ben everything. And Kylo Ren, like FN-2187 for Finn, had been part of Ben's path to saving Rey and ending the war and finally, finally, finally destroying the Sith for good. So, seen from that angle, Finn also owed Kylo Ren every… 'No!' It was impossible. Finn simply couldn't bring himself to acknowledge his debt to this monster, this murderer and slave-master. Not yet.

A sudden smile crept upon Finn's face in the dark. If Ben was still alive, he would probably struggle quite as much with his past as Finn did. After all, a human being wasn't a chest of drawers where memories, traumas and the past could be stored away neatly and efficiently. 'We're more like a mountain of loose threads of different length, colour and quality," Finn ruminated. And somehow, life's task seemed to be to discover, disentangle and arrange these threads into a neat, hopefully beautiful, carpet of identity. Well, so far, he was failing, Finn decided. But then, he had hardly begun to reflect on and dissect his life in this way. One simply didn't have time for much introspection during a war.

Silently like a stealthy tiger, Finn climbed out of bed and tiptoed to the kitchen. He felt inordinately hungry all of a sudden and still relished the fact that he was no longer restricted by the arbitrary wilfulness of his masters or the sparse resources of the Resistance when it came to his nourishment. Before the war had ended, he had never realised how incredibly beautiful it was to be able to eat and drink until his felt satisfied. Even sitting down and taking his time, having a chat with Rey, was something he had to consciously teach himself. No more life-or-death schedules to keep to that allowed barely five minutes per pitiful ration. His mind reeling with joy and gratitude at this, Finn entered the kitchen and stopped short. His developing Jedi senses were tingling somewhere under the skin on his arms and his little toes. Someone had been talking in here just a second before.

Immediately on high alert, Finn grabbed his weapon – or would have done, if he had worn anything but his pyjamas. Confused he looked down to his trousers where his right hand was still trying to grasp something from thin air. With a sigh, Finn forced himself to relax and dropped into a chair, his elbows on the table, the heels of his hands rubbing his eyes and massaging his temples. "It's peace time now, Finn!" he chided himself, angry at his only too frequent lapse into battle-mode. "No more enemies to fight. Calm down now!"

"Master Finn," a sudden high-pitched voiced addressed him from the shadows. Finn jumped involuntarily, falling off the chair with a sudden realisation. Of course! How could he forget. Now he knew who must have been talking before he entered the room. A golden metallic shimmer crossed the dark room in sudden, uncertain strides. Though a droid, his loyalty and concern were visible even in his walk and clumsy attempts to resurrect Finn. "I am so sorry, Master Finn." 3PO muttered as his thin frame unsuccessfully tried to heave up the much larger human on the floor. "It was never my intention to startle you."

"It's alright, 3PO. I'm fine." Finn answered, smiling at the translation droid that was really so helpless in most situations and whose favourite phrase, "We're doomed!" had become proverbial long before Finn's time with the Resistance. Ironically, it was the phrase which fighters, spies or pilots had used before an impossible mission to spur each other on, give each other a spark of hope and courage. For C-3PO, always the butt of jokes and told to shut up at least fifty times a day, had somehow lived through not just one but all the wars since the former Senator Palpatine had first started to weave his web of intrigue around the galaxy. How, exactly, he had survived, no one knew, but everyone secretly considered it a token of good fortune to hear his doom declaimed ominously by the soft-hearted droid.

Finn had pulled himself back into his chair, watched by the droid who had cocked his head to one side as if to show his utter disbelief that Finn would, indeed, be fine after such a traumatic fall to the kitchen floor. "I really am fine, " Finn laughed, amused at the droid's expression. "Then is there something I can do for you, sir?"

"Yeah, sure. Erm, I'd like something to eat, maybe?" Finn offered. He was still fairly unaccustomed to giving orders to anyone or having them obeyed by a droid. He felt more at ease politely asking, although he knew 3PO would probably do anything for him and Rey short of throwing himself off the roof of the Jedi Training School. Although perhaps he'd do even that. For Rey.

As the droid shuffled to the food pantry to retrieve an abundance of delectable edibles, Finn remembered the Ceremony when C-3PO and R2-D2 had both emphatically declared their loyalty and service to the last Skywalker. Whether or not the two droids could feel Ben's life now pulsing in Rey was questionable. But like everyone, they knew how Rey had survived and must have thought that this was reason enough for their allegiance. For since that day, neither had left Rey and Finn's side.

Staring absentmindedly into the middle distance, Finn remembered the day with a smile. For many reasons, it had been the happiest day in all his life. THEIR Ceremony! It had been the very first to be conducted in the school and, so Rey had mused, perhaps the very first ever in any Jedi community since time immemorial. Marriage and romantic bonds had been forbidden for Jedi, so the sacred texts had told her. But more recent history had led Rey to question her ancestor's judgement. "Perhaps none of this would have happened in the first place, if Anakin Skywalker and Padmé Amidala had been able to live their love openly." Rey had gestured in a wide arc to the capital city of Naboo, destroyed for the most part. But the effect of recent repairs and the joyful influx of Jedi recruits from across the galaxy had brought a breath of new life and resurrection to the ruined, yet still noble city.

Although Rey, as the last Jedi master, technically had the right to decide this for herself, she had nevertheless made an official application to the recently established Council of the Galaxy. The members of this council, many of them brave former leaders of the Resistance or secret underground movements against the First Order on their respective planets, had agreed almost immediately with Rey's suggestion. Not only was the planet a beautiful, historic place that deserved to be the new centre of Jedi lore, it also, as Rey had pointed out, bore significance as the place where Anakin and Amidala Skywalker had first fallen in love, when things had still been good and pure and simple. "I can't really explain it," Rey had grasped for words in front of the Council. Many of them might be her friends, all her fervent admirers, but she was a fighter at heart and not a poet. Words failed to come as easily to her as the right tool to fix up a ship or weapon to wield in the face of her enemies. "It just feels like the place to right old wrongs, to heal." Rey took a deep breath, her green eyes nervously fixed on the amenable faces of the Council members. Finn had stood behind his Rey, partly obscured by the shadows on the side of the Council Chambers. He never doubted what the Council's decision would be and he was proud of his best friend, his most dearest Rey, who was still so utterly humble and genuinely surprised when people listened to her or followed her orders, especially now that peace reigned across the stars.

He would tell her, he had decided then. Quicksand hadn't killed them; neither the Sith nor the Final Order was able to put a stop to their lives. Kylo…no, Ben had sacrificed himself for Rey. And enough time had now elapsed for thoughts of this nature to be relevant and permissible again.

Finn suddenly shivered in his pyjamas and noticed that he had already half-eaten the dish 3PO had served him. Thoughts of Rey did that to him. Quickly, he retrieved his dressing gown from a hook in the bathroom and sat back down to finish his midnight meal. He breathed in deeply, relishing the fact that his robe seemed to have been imbued with a little of Rey's scent. After all, their dressing gowns hung next to each other, their folds and odours becoming more and more inseparable like the hearts and lives of their owners.

A sudden inspiration made him turn his head to a far corner of the kitchen. "R2-D2, are you awake?" he queried, his mouth half-full of strawberries. The little droid readily rolled out of his corner and greeted Finn with a sweet melody of short beeps. Finn patted his little friend, swallowed his strawberries and then leant forward almost conspiratorially. Although immobile in the moonlight, Finn was certain that if R2-D2 had had a neck and limbs, he would have leant forward in response. As it was, the rounded top of R2's frame rotated; the side now facing Finn must, so the man assumed, be what humans would consider the ear.

"Please, could you play it once again for me?" A questioning beep answered his request. "Oh, you know, "chuckled Finn. "THAT day on Naboo." An elongated beep expressed the droid's sudden understanding – and perhaps his amusement as well. This was certainly not the first time Finn had requested to re-watch his proposal.

'Stop being so sentimental, Finn', he told himself as he once again beheld the lake, the flowers, the ancient Naboo mansion, the colours. His Rey. Choking up, Finn was in truth very glad that despite his past, despite all the loss and grief and suffering, despite the war, both he and Rey could still be sentimental, emotional. He knew that Rey agreed with this: they helped each other's spirits to heal and their hearts to soften. Finally, there was time again for tears and laughter.

Finn sipped at the warming drink 3PO had brought him; the golden droid stood behind him as Finn enjoyed the memory of that day. He had even stopped internally flinching at the short moment of hesitation, that short second of Rey's face closing down with the memory of another kiss, before leaning in to respond to his confession. Of course, Finn knew that Rey had kissed Ben. He knew of her genuine feelings for him and her deep-seated grief at his loss. But Ben was gone – another reason to be indebted to him. And Finn had waited patiently for the memory of her first kiss to dull, for Rey to remember that he, Finn, was still there and would always be there at her side. In whatever capacity she chose. He had gone into his confession uncertain of its outcome, knowing only that he had to finally tell her what he had wanted her to know since…since he couldn't even remember when it had started.

"Now play the other one!"

For the second time that night, Finn fell off his chair, landing at the feet of his Rey who helped him up, laughing her own sweet melody of a laugh.

"I'm so sorry, Rey", Finn stammered, still slightly in shock at having been caught re-watching that day in the middle of the night. "I didn't mean to wake you."

"You didn't." Rey stepped towards him and curled her slender arms about his torso, hugging him tightly, her face resting on his chest. "I just had a nightmare." "Yes, me too." Finn's voice muttered almost inaudibly into Rey's chestnut brown hair. After all this time, it still smelled of the sun and sand of Jakku, where he had first met her. For a moment, they were both silent, breathing as one and seeking the other's warmth and comfort.

"Did you see Ben?" Finn asked quietly. There was no accusation or fear or jealousy in his voice and Rey knew it and showed him that she knew by relaxing deeper into his embrace. It had been a long while since she had last tensed up at the mention of the name and it was due to Finn that she could now hear it spoken without her insides contracting painfully.

Finn raised her chin up to see into her face, searching her eyes for an answer. "I see him most nights, yes." Rey nodded. "Sometimes he is a memory of the past. But mostly he is in my dreams, alive in his Jedi spirit form, and we talk. We remember. We laugh. But mostly we just talk. Often Leia and Luke are there as well. I ask them for advice, you know?"

"You don't mind anymore?"

"No. I don't think I have ever really minded. It was just painful but I wanted to see them – him – as well. And I thank him. For us." Rey's face lit up in a slow smile.

Finn responded likewise. "I wish I could see him. Reconciling the Ben you tell me about with the Kylo Ren I know is difficult for me."

"I know. He understands." Rey assured him.

Finn took a step back, looking at her in surprise. "He talks about me?"

"Oh, all the time. He's glad we're happy together."

"Really?" Finn blinked in surprise. She hadn't told him that particular detail before. "Do you still love him?"

Stepping towards him again, Rey cupped Finn's face in her hands. She hesitated only a moment. "Yes, Finn, I do. I love him. And I love you. And you're alive. And I'm alive because of him. Do you think…do you mind?"

His Rey! Always considerate and humble. Breaking into a wide smile, he shook his head. "No. It makes sense. You…both of you would have made so much sense. Much more than you and I, I think." Rey knitted her brows in mock outrage. He had told her this before. "No, you would. You could train the new Jedi together; you could complete each other in a way that I never can."

"But you're alive. That's pretty important, don't you think", Rey chuckled. She knew it was this belief about himself and his own intrinsic unsuitability that had kept him waiting for months and months before he had finally told her of his feelings. Being herself, she had many times almost spoken out first. But thankfully, she had always managed to reign in her impatience; she had wanted him to take all the time he needed and to be free to choose to tell her or not. But boy, she was glad he finally did.

Finn might have thought that he had been the only one watching and re-watching R2's slyly recorded video of that day. But Rey found safety and assurance in it after her nightmares just as he did.

Only for her, the video was delightfully devoid of some important onlookers that had appeared in Rey's field of vision just as Finn, heart beating as if to accompany a tarantella, had stammered out his confession. Luke, Leia and Ben. They came to give their blessing, she knew, and was glad of it. And only a little taken aback that they had shown up so unexpectedly at this sacred moment. Although a Jedi master, she still had not figured out the knack of initiating contact with the Jedi spirits, nor could she guess when they would appear. But she was working on that.

"I guess it's a little important." Finn tried to retain a stern face, as if to deliberate, but he knew Rey could tell he was faking it. So, he settled into a grin again, disengaged himself from her and poured her a drink.

"Thanks."

Both settling down on a stool, they now watched the other one: their wedding. It had been a short ceremony but beautiful for all the friends that had made the occasion. There was Rose, now active in a force that sought to bring to an end the cruelty against animals across the galaxy. Recently, her unit had also taken to rescuing children from enslavement, a problem riddling the galaxy like the small pox. Although their respective work kept them from regularly contacting each other, they had only last week received a full and enthusiastic report about Rose from a young girl she had rescued and sent to Naboo. Like many others, including nearly all the Stormtroopers that had rebelled against their masters, she had a sensitivity for the Force and would, in time, be a Jedi apprentice and master. Having found her without name or family, Rose had called her Paige. Her late sister's name. Finn and Rey had wondered at this – what was different about this girl compared to all the rest of the slaves Rose had rescued? But they were sure to find out soon enough, as Rose had promised to visit little Paige within the next six months.

The video panned along the line of guests, resting a moment on Poe Dameron and BB-8. In recognition, R2-D2 delivered a joyful bleep while Finn and Rey heaved a simultaneous sigh. Peace times had hit the former pilot like a bullet. Struggling with survivor's guilt, he had at first lapsed into a sort of self-imposed isolation, drinking and ruminating on dark memories. He wasn't the only one: like countless others in the Resistance army, being one of the survivors had suddenly left him without direction, without purpose and unable to fit into the world they all had so gladly helped to build with their own sweat and blood. Rey and Finn had repeatedly tried to animate him, to seek out opportunities for himself, even to pick up his old spice runner habits if need be. For a long time, it was all to no avail and they had almost despaired at the thought of losing their friend now, after he had survived every battle.

Then his mysterious lady friend Zorri had reappeared one day, seemingly out of nowhere. All they understood from her rather curtailed answers was that she was engaged in some sort of business in the outer rim. She seemed unprepared to give further details. Going into Poe's room in the Jedi School which he had been given by Rey, it took her about 20 minutes before she re-emerged with Poe in tow. He seemed somewhat subdued and hadn't touched a bottle ever since. That very same day, he accepted a commission with the Council as head of a unit rooting out the lairs of bounty hunters throughout the galaxy. Technically, Poe still had his room here and he, at first, had popped in fairly frequently. But as the months went past, these visits had become fewer and although he insisted that his work was keeping him traipsing all over the place, Finn and Rey also suspected that Zorri had something to do with it. While they both missed their friend dearly, they were glad that he had managed to pick up the pieces and his spirit seemed revived and more jovial with each visit.

The light of dawn was breaking through the window in their kitchen, soft orange, yellow and vibrant pink, flushing Rey's cheeks. They sat still and silent, their droids equally solemn and attentive. A morning tableau. Finn's arms were wrapped around Rey's waist, his chin resting on her right shoulder. Rey leant back her head into Finn's other shoulder, her cheek touching his. The couple continued watching, verbally pointing out the various friends that had attended their ceremony, rejoicing over the new life of the one, silently praying over the tatters of the life of another, fondly remembering all of them.

Then their stillness was disturbed when both started to chuckle simultaneously. "Here we go," portended Rey. Much too late and with much more noise than was strictly appropriate at such a reverent occasion, Lando and Chewie had entered the venue, shocking and delighting the guests and unceremoniously squeezing the newly-wedded couple into rib-cracking hugs. Finn and Rey's laughter echoed loudly off the kitchen walls. This was their favourite part.

"I wonder where they are now," Rey mused as the video came to a close and R2-D2 emitted a hearty morning bleep that might have been a yawn.

"Who knows! It's Lando and Chewie. They might be anywhere – probably shredding the Millennium Falcon in some asteroid field", quipped Finn, helping Rey off the chair and leading her by the hand back into their bedroom where C-3PO was already laying out their Jedi clothes: master's robes for Rey, apprentice ones for Finn.

"They better bring her back in one piece. She is my ship after all." Rey tossed back.

Creaking mechanically, C-3PO moved to face them, turning his head from one to the other. "Would you maybe like some breakfast?" he offered. Rey and Finn exchanged a look. Yes, they had only just eaten. But then, there was enough food now and some time before training started. They could eat more, if they wanted to. Smiling, they both answered at the same time. "Yes, please," sending the golden droid happily scuttling into the kitchen.

Pulling on her robes in the now golden morning sun, overlooking the city and the river, Rey suddenly turned to her Finn. "Do you mind being the odd one out?"

"Huh?"

"I mean, the odd couple. The Jedi apprentice who is married to the Jedi master."

Finn finished tying his belt before turning towards her and giving her a quick yet gentle kiss on the forehead.

"Not at all. I don't think my life…our life was ever meant to be ordinary." Rey shook her head in agreement, smiling. Finn hesitated then, looking towards the distant blue outline of the hills. "I only mind that I can't see them."

"The Jedi Masters?"

"Yes."

"You will learn. And then you can talk to them as I do." Rey wrapped her arm around her Finn's neck and returned his kiss.

"And then I will thank him."

Rey nodded.


End file.
